Happy and Sad all at once

Well I have very good news since I last posted, which I'm really gonna try sticking to. I'm 11 weeks pregnant this Monday. Dan and I are very excited. The emotions we had when we heard the heart beat for the first time were all over the place. It's so amazing to know that God is carefully crafting a child together inside me right now. I can't begin to describe how excited I get when I think about having a baby with the man I love. I'm due on October 18th and I won't know if we are having a boy or a girl for another 5 weeks. Were hoping for a boy although me step mom is convinced it's a girl. Whichever God gives us we will be thankful and happy. Right now we like the names McCaila and Riley for a boy. So that is my oh so exciting news! :)

Now to explain the sad. Before Dan and I even met, actually about a year before we met, Dan was dating this girl kara who just happens to be a cop here in surprise. I know that he had other girlfriends before, but this particular one really bothers me. They dated for 2 years and within the last year she cheated on him several times, the worst kind of cheating there is. She would tell him it was his fault she did thoes things and tell him she was a better person before him. To be honest, all his past relationships cheated on him so his self-esteem wasn't too high before he met me. Anyway, the problem is that when I think about them being together it really brings me down, hard. I know he is married to me, I'm having his baby and he loves me, but there are so many things that remind me of her especially the fact that we run into her every so often. (we don't talk but we see her) I'm praying for God to ease my mind, but everytime I'm reminded my mind goes to a place where their happy together. I don't know how to get these images of affection out of my head. I know he would never go back to her and hes with me forever, but I can't shake these images. I don't know what to do....please pray that God takes this pain out of my heart.

Blessed

Over a year ago I returned from Northern Ireland and so much has changed since then. I've started college, found the man of my dreams, married him, got pregnant, just kidding! No but really things are so different now. All of my old friends are at least an hour away and I don't see my family as much as I would like, but looking back on everything I am so thankful. I look around in the world and it's so full of hate and pain. I am so blessed to have grown up believing in God and having him so near to my heart. Who knows what kind of person I would have become without him. Hes helped me make decisions most people of this world don't even care about. I am who I am because of him.

Because of God I am also blessed with an amazing Husband who supports, loves and is always pushing me to become who I want to be. Things are har don us right now, but I can't not see the amazing things God has already done and will do for us so I can't help but be overjoyed and thankful. He has such a presence in our lives and even though it's hard to see sometimes hes always putting little reminders in our way just to say I love you.

Thanks to all the people that are in my life and have been a part of my life I love you guys!

Prayer request: Please pray for our finances. Our Ireland trip is this month and were nervouse about finances, please also keep Dan and his stress in your prayers. Thank you.

How?

Ok so I said I was going to start blogging and I haven't ffor a while. Mostly because I just can't think of anything to write about, but now I have a little.

How do you get someone excited about an event when that event is putting stress on them?
Dan and I are going to Northern Ireland next month and I'm pretty excited about it, but hes worried about leaving the school (his business). We are only going to be gone for 2 weeks and 3 days and he won't be there when it is open for 2 and a half weeks. That isn't that much time away from the Karate school, but hes still worried. I don't know how to ease his mind and we can't just not go. What should I do? I want him to be excited with me about leaving. Were not going to have a whole lot of money to spend so hes also worried about that, but really were staying with friends the entire time so we don't need loads. Please pray cuz I don't want him to be stressed the whole time were there. I love you guys.

Should I write a book?

I really want to write a book. I don't care if it's published, or if myself and a few others are the only ones to read it, heck I don't care if I'm the only one to read it, but for once I want to write and complete a book so vivid the reader can feel every bit of pain, sorrow, joy and love. I want to write something that not only can identify with the reader, but something that is artistic in describing surroundings. Of course it would be easier to write something about some going through a time of pain, but I would like to give hope to my characters as well and not leave them in desperation. I have started writing before and each time I have become impatient and stopped writing, but I really want to write something now. I have been thinking about it for a while now and I think I will I just need to stay motivated.

Dissapperaing off the face of the Earth

So I got rid of myspace, facebook and my phone within the last two weeks. It totally cut me off from alot of people which really was what I intended to do. I don't like trying to be friends with people that try to act like a friend then turn around talk about me. I don't even know where some of these rumors are from and people from my past are deciding to all of the sudden bring things up from the past, like stupid fights or even just things that I don't even remember happening. The way I see it, it gives me freedom because I no longer have to endure thoes people because they have no way of finding me. On the other hand thoes people that I do truly miss can't get hold of me. Soon I'll have a house phone and I'll give my true friends that number, because there are alot of people i really miss being around.

On another note, I just called a friend of mine to find out that her boyfriend, whom she intended to marry broke things off with her because his parents want him to marry an indian girl. (girl from india) Apparently they like her, but because she is not Indian she isn't welcome in their family. How racist is that. Please pray for her because it's very painful for her. Shes not a Christian and she feels like there is no where for her to turn now that she has lost her best friend. She gave all of her to him and I guess he seems like hes pretty much already over her after a month. Please pray that she would heal quickly and get over him completely.Thanks all. I really appreciate everything.

Tonight

My husband and brother in-law are down the hall writing songs. I love listening to them talk about music and hearing Dans voice as he sing while he thinks no one is listening. I find his voice both soothing and beautiful. I know if he knew I was listening he probably would not be as confident as he is right now, but I can't help ease dropping.
Someday I would love to write and record songs for a living. I love singing and I really want to write beautiful songs that touch people. I wrote one for my husband for our wedding day. So far I think it's one of my best. John, my brother in-law, helped me record backround vocals and all the music. It was exciting to stand before Dan and sing to him what I was feeling.
Someday, I would like to be a praise and worship leader. Use what God has given me to praise him. Right now I'm trying to learn the guitar and next semester I should be starting piano. I can't wait.
As for whats going on in my life, I have an incredibly boring job, which I'm thank for, it's hard to find a job in Surprise. My husband is advertising his Karate school like crazy, even dressing up like a power ranger and dancing while his brother holds up a sign. :) I smile just thinking about it. Were trying to figure out and get our bills payed on time. Having a Karate school takes alot of money.
Last night Dan and I went to my cousin Anthony's wedding. It was a traditional Catholic ceremony. Very interesting to say the least, not that it was bad, just very different from the ones I have been to. Anyway it was kind of funny because their wedding was similar, but not the same. Same color scheme with slightly different flowers, same band for the first dance (Lifehouse) , the exact same father daughter dance song, which I thought was funny because they already attended ours. I have to say, Dan and I agree that their cake looked better. All in all we had a good time. I was happy to spend the entire night beside my hubby. It was romantic, I loved it. Well I suppose thats it for now. I really wanna get back into bloggin so heres me trying to start!

Looking back on Norhtern Ireland

I've been thinking about my time In N. Ireland lately. It's really hard to remember the good things other than the few good friends I have over there. More specifically I was thinking about a check-in I had to do with the entire YFC team and how I broke down and only told half of how I was feeling. My mind went back to that day and I pictured saying everything that was on my mind that morning.

I remember being depressed, but as usual I had a smile to cover how much I was dying inside. My teammates went around saying things like, oh everything is good God is so great and I need to read more, but mostly things are good. Well when it came to me I tried to spit the words everything is fine out, but I burst into tears. Of course Carole asked me to let everyone know what was wrong. I shared, I had to now: St. Patricks day I recieved a call from my mom saying that my grandfather was dying and I should probably come home early, because he only had a few months to live. Later that night I got another call saying that he was fading fast and I needed to come home immediately. On the way to the air port I got a call saying I should say goodbye over the phone. Who knows what to say over a phone in another country to your dying grandfather who is not a christian...I told him I loved him, althogh he couldn't respond because his dimensia was so bad that he could hear, but was unresponsive. It took me four flights to get home and when I did I saw him prayed for his soul and in the night he passed away. My heart did not break until I saw my mom crying at the wake. A women I have never seen cry over a death was crying. I didn't know what to think or say, but I was surrounded by family and friends that loved me so the realization hadn't quite set in. When it was time to go back I didn't want to go, but I had to. I had made a promise. When I got back I asked God to let me know if my granfather had accepted him and to give me a sign. That night I went to church looking for a sign and all the guest speaker could talk about was how some people are stubborn their entire lives and even on their death beds reject God. I ran out of there crying. ASking God for another sign, for it to be sunny the entire day with no rain and the next day to pour and pour if he was with him if not then the opposite. The next day it was sunny half the day, then rained, the next day was the same. Confused and angry I stopped reading my Bible. I paused in my tears looking around at my teammates, two of them Katherine and Naomi sat beside me their hands on my shoulder as if to relieve some of the pain. I told them that I didn't want to read my Bible right now. I was angry and I didn't feel like reading about people who went to heaven and lead rightouse lives and thoes who didn't going to hell. Then I told them how I cried that night, the rain wasn't pouring, but my tears were, every night I cried harder and harder. Every night feeling more hoomesick and lonely. I remember calling my mom everynight hanging up and crying myself to sleep. I stopped there, but I wanted to say so much more. I wanted them to know that they were the reason I felt so lonely. That they had rejected me months ago and I no longer felt welcome in this group except by axiom who I never got to see anyway. It seemed as if my roommate only wanted to get away from me and the rest of the Y-1ers would come together and "forget" to tell me. The two girls I had bonded with at the beginning didn't seem to care about me at all. When we came together they were polite , but seemed as if the entire time talking to me they would rather be talking to someone els. I wanted to yell out that I had confidence at the beggining and before I came here, but by that time I felt worthless, like no one could ever like me for me anymore. I wanted to tell them that it felt as if my team had decided they didn't want me to be a part of them. All their inside jokes all their time spent hanging out together. I felt alone in the world. This didn't seem like family, it seemed like a cruel joke God was playing on me. I was angry because he had brought me half a world away from my family just so I could be miserable and depressed. Even writing this my eyes cannot stay dry. Everytime I think about my year abroad I cry. People ask me how Ireland was, and I can't help, but think of how awful it was. There were some good times, but too many nights of lonely hoplessness to remeber the "good" times. Part of me wishes I had never gone, because I feel as though I am damaged from my experiences. I know God wanted me there, but sometimes I wonder why he allowed me to have such a miserable experience.

This December I'm going back to Ireland to visit two friends that did their best to rescue me, I'm going with the Dan, who will be my husband by then. I really hope to heal and clean some of the wounds that were given to me on that island. Only God can tell how long it will take for me to talk about my year and not cry.